i was totally psyched to run in last sunday's xc 5k in van cortlandt park. i'd arranged to ride with coach tony and charlene, and i thought it would be a great chance to run with my team, the prospect park track club. on saturday, after helping out with the beginner's workshop in the chilly rain, i started to feel a scratchy throat, headache, and body aches.... when i awoke on sunday morning, there was no denying that i felt like crap. i did, though, try to deny it, and took a shower, put on my running gear, ate breakfast... finally, though, i had to give in to the head cold and called coach to say i wasn't going to make it to the race. i was concerned about the head cold morphing into a bronchial infection, and with three races planned in the next two weeks (at least one of which i need for guaranteed entry into the 2010 nyc marathon), i didn't want to risk it.
i was bummed all day.
i was even more bummed when i saw just how many of my teammates did the race, and how well the women did -- our women's team placed second in the team championships! ugh, i wanted to be a part of that, and to add to the team's success.
at work on monday, i was telling a coworker about this, and she asked, 'what, are you training for the olympics?', because she really couldn't understand why i'd be so bummed about missing a race, or why i spend so much time running and training to begin with.
her comment has me thinking. why DO i spend so much time running, training, reading about running, thinking about running....? i have a long and growing list of the reasons why i run. but i don't just run -- i train. i want to run faster, longer and better. i expect to see improvements in my pace over time. i want to run with the best economy and form i can manage, and with few injuries.
so what will happen if/when my pace stops improving? i still think of myself as a beginner, and so far my times continue to improve. but i have to expect that i'll reach a plateau, and probably soon. what if my love for running is too intricately connected to the ego-gratification of 'good' performance, and my current trend toward improvement and goal-reaching? what if 'being good at it' is what fuels me?
but that's part of what's so great about running -- it teaches me so much about myself. and even if ego is involved (sure it is), there's no denying how i feel when i'm running, and how i feel after a run, and how i feel when gearing up for a race.
so no, i'm not training for the olympics. i'll never be a local elite. i don't want to be 'the fastest', but i do want to continue to grow as a runner, to improve, to challenge myself, to set goals and meet them. if i learn along the way how to be flexible with myself, all the better.
this stupid head cold has persisted through the week, and i have a 4 mile race on sunday which i'm determined to run. but i will allow myself the flexibility to take it easy during the race if i need to. so what if i don't meet my pace goal? maybe the ego could use that disappointment.
